Sunday 4 January 2009

"Exotic" - A Doctor Who/TARDIS/Martha Fic.

I'm not sure "Exotic" really covers it, but never mind.

In this fic, we discover an interesting dynamic in the Doctor/TARDIS relationship. Namely, that they're shagging. Behind Martha's back. (How does a Time Lord go about shagging a spaceship? Oh you'll find out.)

....Until she walks in on them at it. But luckily for The Doctor, Martha is open-minded to the point that her brain is in danger of falling out. And Man on Machine is exactly the kind of thing that floats her boat.

See the fic in its full glory by following the link at the bottom, or clicking on the title of this entry. Be warned, this is pretty long because the fic was long too. Believe me, I've cut it down as best I can!

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Firstly, I don't suppose the author can be fully blamed for inflicting this on people. S/he does warn us - "Please do NOT read this if the idea of having sex with the TARDIS squicks you."

But it's not in my nature to let a little old warning stop me, so here we go...


Martha woke from a deep sleep to the sound of the TARDIS apparently moaning, like someone in pain. She lay listening for a few moments, then switched on her bedside light and sat up, her head tilted to one side.

Earlier, the Doctor had told her:

"I want to check the TARDIS over... make sure all her systems are fully functional after being out of action for nearly three months."

As it turns out, "check over" and "out of action" are meant in a very different context than you'd usually imagine.

"Doctor," she called, peering down into the eerie, green-lit space.

There was no response and she was just wondering whether he'd gone to the kitchen for a cup of tea...

Oh, if only. That would make for a good PG-13 version of this story.

Sadly this is far from the truth, as Martha is about to discover. She climbs down the ladder into the control room, to the sound of more moans and groans from the TARDIS. Gosh, she marvels, the ship must really be in pain to be making all these sex noises.

So, she works her way down until she's inside the control room, where she notices two things:

1)
the column was much bigger round down here than it was up in the Control Room.

2) the Doctor was on the opposite side of the platform, and he was straddling one of the coral branches, completely nude.

I certainly know which one of those I'd have noticed first.

His eyes were closed, which was why he hadn't spotted her yet, and he had an ecstatic look on his face as he grasped the branch tightly; Martha felt a throb of excitement between her legs as she realised that he looked like a man in throes of sexual pleasure.

Excitement? ...Not shock/horror/embarassment? ..Nope? Okay then.

Then she registered that he was, in fact, having sex with the TARDIS: she could see him thrusting his hips forwards and backwards.

How can that be so matter-of-fact? I can't picture this scene in my head as anything other than awkward, laughable and more than a bit disturbing!

Anyway, The Doctor reaches his climax, with more moaning and shuddering from the TARDIS. Martha falls over due to the shuddering - she's moaning too, because she obviously can't control herself in the face of Time Lord / TARDIS action.

This makes for embarrassing times all round, because the Doctor hears her moaning, turns round, and realises she's seen him riding his spaceship naked... (Much like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus. Except less horse, more spaceship.)


"You really are an alien, aren't you?" she observed quietly.

The Doctor gave her a thoughtful look, noting that she didn't seem horrified or upset at what she'd discovered. He also noticed the increased scent of pheromones she was giving off.

Not only is she not horrified. She's actually turned on.

"Do you shag your ship often?" she asked

"Of course, I've seen the way you pilot the TARDIS," she continued, "and I have to admit, I'd wondered."

(Um, what? I can safely say that I never had wondered.)

She gave him a smile and he felt himself growing hard again. "I bet you thought I hadn't noticed the pronounced bulge in your trousers after you've been using your feet on the console."

"You noticed that?" he asked.

She nodded, eyes bright with amusement. "It was enough to give me wet dreams," she told him.

How romantic.

The Doctor certainly thinks so, and suddenly finds himself aroused by Martha's presence. 'You get off on me getting off with machines? Hawt.'

The sexual tension builds - he wants her, she wants him. They kiss. The Doctor props her up against the very branch he was just humping, and proceeds to use one of the most macho-sounding pre-sex lines ever:

"Ready?" he asked.

She is ready. So it's ready, aim, fire, so to speak. They have very enjoyable sex, no doubt fuelled by thoughts of the Doctor at his control panel. Martha seems to reach about fifty climaxes throughout. Fair enough. Maybe the Doctor's good in that area. But it's when the TARDIS actually starts joining in that things get a bit weird.

The TARDIS was also moaning and shuddering, sharing in their pleasure through her emotional and telepathic link to the Time Lord, and the Doctor could feel her pleasure feeding his as he grew closer to his own climax.

That's it? You say. Nooo, unfortunately that is not it.

They go back up to the TARDIS bedroom. Martha surmises that when the Doctor runs his fingers through his hair, he is actually sexually pleasuring himself. Or...something. Thanks for that image, author-of-fic. I will never be able to watch an episode of Tennant-era Doctor Who in the same way again.


She ran her hands through his hair (which we've now established as similar to touching his penis, I suppose)
and played with it until he growled and rolled them over, pinning her body beneath his as he slid his hard cock into her heated core and they made love again.

"Heated core" is the female equivalent of "stiff prick" or "throbbing member." It's just neeever going to sound sexy.

Martha and the Doctor wake up spooning. Martha's happy she hasn't dreamt it all. That's right - happy, not relieved.

The Doctor points out that sexing the TARDIS is vital, to restore the bond between a Time Lord and their ship. Martha asks if all Time Lords do it. The Doctor says the only one he ever asked said she didn't do it.

Um... Not so vital, then, surely? But Martha's got other things on her mind, and doesn't question that.

"Could a female Time Lord do it?"

His hands stilled. "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

Please God, don't let her be asking what he thinks she's asking.

"What do you think I'm asking?"

"If you can shag the TARDIS."

Aaaaand, yes she is asking that.

So, they head on down to the control room, where Martha straddles the branch The Doctor was sitting on previously... It grows a kind of "TARDIS equivalent of a cock" (the writer's words, not mine!) and she.. has sex with it.

He held her as she lowered herself down with a moan as the ship filled her.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Oh god, yes!"

Oh god NO.

The Doctor joins in with kisses and erection-rubbings. Martha, rather redundantly, points out:

"This has to be the most unusual sex I've ever had,"

You don't say.

The TARDIS is vibrating, the Doctor smiles, thinking the "Old Girl" must be enjoying herself. Presumably the TARDIS, not Martha. The TARDIS shows Martha lots of nice images - stars, galaxies, vortexes, etc, as she orgasms. Nice little slideshow to supplement the lovemaking process.

Martha falls forward against the Doctor. She feels that he's still hard and thinks it only polite to ask if he wants finishing off.

"You haven't come," she said.

"No."

"Don't you want to?" she asked.

"Yes."

Blunt, but honest I suppose. So she sees to it that he does. Happy ending for everybody. Even the TARDIS is happy.

The TARDIS hummed quietly to herself, satisfied that not only had she restored her link with her Time Lord, but she had also resolved the tension that had arisen between him and his companion during their stay in Farringham.

THE END.

If you're a Doctor Who fan, good luck with ever being able to see The Doctor leaning over his control panel in an innocent way again.

Fun fact: The Doctor/TARDIS relationship is known as DocTARD in the Dr Who shipping community. It has quite a following. Not sure about DocMarthTARD, though.

LINKS: [The fic] - "Exotic" by Persiflage

2 comments:

  1. OH MY LORD NO!

    DocTard it certainty retarded.

    "TARDIS equivalent of a cock" is it bigger on the inside?

    ReplyDelete
  2. And shaped like a police phone box?

    Eeek.

    ReplyDelete