"The Biggest Stick" - featuring KHAAAAN and Harcourt Fenton Mudd.

Right! I'm back and reporting for duty. This fic was chosen for a couple of reasons:

REASON 1) In honour of the release of the new Star Trek movie. (Well, not sure "honour" is the right word...)
REASON 2) It's a bit of light-hearted insanity to ease me (and everyone else) back into that regular blogging psyche. I had some freaky shit lined up, but it nearly broke my brain/made me sick when I tried to write it up as a post.... So I'm going for this one. Which is admittedly not an attractive set of mental images, but it's more "Hah, WTF?" than "holy fuck, this makes me want to scoop out my own brain with a salad spoon."
REASON 3) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

On with the show....

Author's notes:

Title: The Biggest Stick
Author: longbeachtrekstar
Code: Khan/Mudd
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Mudd lands on Khan's planet. But is Ceti Alpha V big enough for both of these egos?
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. This is not for profit, just for fun. If Harry makes you an offer, report him to the proper authorities.

The title "The Biggest Stick," should give you one or two ideas about what events may unfold in this fanfic. But unless you're thinking "ego-driven-mutual-wanking session"... Then you're a little off the mark. Let me enlighten you:

Khan sat at his desk, waiting for his subjects to return. He ran his fingers over the rich Corinthian leather of the armrests as he reflected on the last eighteen months. They'd made great progress here on Ceti Alpha V, despite its harsh environment, but he would never admit this to them. He would not let them grow soft and complacent -- he always demanded more. And he certainly would not allow outsiders to interfere in their affairs. Whoever was on the ship that had just landed must be dealt with.

This intruder happens to be none other than,

"Harcourt Fenton Mudd," he answered, rising to his feet and seizing Khan's hand, pumping it enthusiastically. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister...?"

"...KHAAAAAAAN."

"Singh. Khan Noonien Singh," Khan replied, pulling his hand free with contempt. "I am ruler of this planet."

"The entire planet, huh? Impressive. Y'know, I once had a planet of me own..."

Rather mundane chat ensues, during which Mudd reveals how he was on a planet with sexy androids until Kirk came along and reprogrammed them so that they'd no longer give him "so much as a single hand job." Sad times for Mudd, basically.

"Let me get this straight. You had a planet full of *mechanical* women? How absurd. What were they, prostitutes?"

"Ack! Harry Mudd's never paid for it in his life. They weren't just machines -- they were servants, my loyal subjects."

"Subjects who follow their programming. Not real people. *Real* people need a true leader to command them. *My* people do my bidding because they fear me. They respect me."

"Make up your mind."

"And what of heirs? Who is to rule over your planet when you are gone?"

"Well, seeing as how I *am* gone, that's a bit of a moot point." He winked at Khan. "Still, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was more than one Harry Jr. running around the galaxy."

"You are a little man, and your name suits you well. I doubt if you have ever pleasured -- let alone satisfied -- a woman in your life."

HO SNAP! He just had to go there, didn't he? He learns, pretty instantly, that any sexual challenge is not taken lightly by Mr. Harry Mudd.

"Oh, really!" Harry undid his belt and fly. (As you do.) He pushed his pants and a garish pair of white-with-red-polka-dot-boxers down to his knees. Straightening up, he slapped his belly and declared, "Have a look at that, laddy-buck, and tell me you're not impressed." His flaccid penis hung below his ample belly, but there was no denying that even in its dormant condition it was of substantial proportions.

Well, I can safely say I have never met a man who, when insulted, whips out his penis.
Luckily, Khan has a horrifically inappropriate comeback:

Khan leered at him. "You have the penis of a child."

Inappropriate on a few levels. Mostly, because of what happens between Khan and said child-penis later in the scene.

Undoing his pants and pushing them down, he revealed his own tool. "*That* is a man's cock!"

Harry squinted mockingly. "Where? I don't... oh, that! Huh. It's not nearly as big as mine."

"What? It is every bit..."

"It's smaller by an inch, at least."

Honestly, why did testosterone-driven arguments never get solved like this in the actual show?

Kirk: "Spock, that's an order."
Spock: "Captain, I find your order highly illogical." *Unzips* *Waggles penis*
Kirk: *Unzips* "Well, mine's clearly bigger, so hop to it."
Spock: "I suspect your human eyes may be malfunctioning, because your observation is incorrect."
McCoy: "Actually," *pulls down pants* "mine's biggest."
Spock: "Again, incorrect."
Kirk: "Yes, put your child-size penis away now, Bones. You're just embarrassing yourself."
McCoy: "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a porn star!"

ANYWAY.

"Well, it's an *erect* shaft that satisfies a woman, anyway."

"And you think yours would be bigger than mine when it's hard?" asked Harry as he began masturbating himself to erection.

"Twice as big!" declared Khan, stroking his own dick.

Well, If you can't win the argument by simply revealing your penis, the next logical step is to masturbate together. Obviously.

Moments later, both men stood in front of each other, pants around their knees, raging hard-ons pointing angrily at each other.

"Angrily"!

Just then, the door from an adjoining room opened, and Marla stepped in. "Khan, honey, would you like me to... oh!" Her gaze landed on Khan's rigid cock, then Harry's. Her eyes widened.

Khan turned five shades of red in anger and embarrassment. "Out!" he bellowed, and Marla beat a hasty retreat.

"That the little lady?" Harry asked, absently stroking his member. "Well, she's rather petite. I'm sure you satisfy her just fine."

"Of course I satisfy her. Her and many others. Look how much larger mine is than yours."

"Oh, pleeeeeease. Mine is bigger by several inches."

1) They get walked in on... And just continue.
2) I don't see how this argument can continue when... surely.. y'know... one of the two will be the biggest. And the other person is just lying or deluded. Physical size isn't really open to debate or discussion... maybe just fetch a goddamn ruler!?
3) The fact that I'm thinking about the logistics of this must mean that fanfiction has finally warped my mind.

Khan's redness deepened even more. "I'm telling you..." But as he spoke, Harry stepped forward, and the tip of his hard-on poked Khan just below his navel. Looking down, both could plainly see that Khan's phallus did not even touch Harry, coming up several inches short. Khan suddenly appeared crest-fallen.

Busted, Khan, you deluded bastard!

Also: If I were Khan, I think I'd be less "crest-fallen," and more, "Woah okay! Prodding people in their tummies with our erect penis are we now, Harry?! Back off, sunshine." As that is, in fact, one of the rudest ways you could possibly be interrupted.

"Now, now, Khannie. Don't start pouting. Yours is plenty big enough. It's just not in the same league as mine."

Khan was not ready to give up. "Size does not satisfy a woman. It takes stamina. I can outlast any man on this planet."

No, Khan, no! You're just embarassing yourself now. You're already standing pants-less in front of a man whose penis is much bigger than yours trying to tell him that it's not. I know he called you "Khannie," ...but let's just let it drop and walk away whilst you still have a shred of dignity left, kay?

.....No such luck.

Harry looked at him sideways. "I really don't want to know how you know that."
"Are you afraid of my challenge?"

"Of course not. But look, I've beaten you twice already. Why should I want to bother again? What do I get if I win?"

"What do you want?"

"Well, to go free, of course. And some provisions."

"And if I win, you are my prisoner -- forever!" Khan began slowly stroking his hard-on.

Hoookay, the "prisoner" bit seemed relatively threatening until the "stoking his hard-on" bit. Now it sounds like Khan's just after a sex-slave.

"Now wait a minute," argued Harry. "You could soft-touch that sucker all night. That's no test."

"What do you propose?"

"We'll do each other." A look of shock swept across Khan's face as Harry wrapped his fingers around his dick. He looked fearfully at Harry's massive schlong. "Go on. It won't bite," laughed Harry. Never one to surrender, Khan seized Harry's dick like a soldier picking up a weapon.

Only he was not a soldier, he was KHAAAAN. And it was not a weapon, it was a dick.

Harry took long strokes along Khan's rigid staff. He pushed his hand into the wiry black mass at the base of Khan's shaft and squeezed tightly as he drew his hand along its length, over the veiny flesh, to the massive purple head. Occasionally Harry mixed it up by releasing the shaft and gently but firmly squeezing and tugging on the fuzzy sack beneath.

Khan also worked Harry's shaft, squeezing and pulling determinedly. They both worked completely by sense of touch, each set of eyes locked on the other's in poker-faced stares. Harry sensed the tempo of Khan's strokes increasing and thought it might reflect Khan's own impending finish. In a moment of weakness, Khan closed his eyes and leaned his head back, and Harry knew that he had won.

Most of Harry's strokes had stopped just short of the head of Khan's dick. With his next few strokes, he dragged his hand completely across the head and even added a little twist at the end. Khan's hips bucked involuntarily, and he moaned as jet after jet of hot, white fluid was launched across the floor.

Um, okay then.

Squeezing the last drops from Khan's shaft, Harry remarked, "My, you're a randy little buck, aren't you? You'll honor our agreement like a gentleman, I assume."

Khan gave Harry another sharp look. This bastard was constantly finding new ways to antagonize him. "I am a man of my word, Mr. Mudd." He made as if to pull up his pants and leave.

"Now hold on just a minute, there."

Just when Khan thought there was no lower level of humiliation to sink to....

Harry wagged his still-hard cock in front of him. "Don't you have some unfinished business to take care of?"

Khan took hold of Harry's cock -- none too gently -- and began working it again. No longer holding back, Harry allowed himself to enjoy it this time. He put both hands behind his head and closed his eyes as he bucked his hips back and forth, thrusting his cock in and out of Khan's pumping fist.

"Oh, yes," he moaned. "Oh, Alice... Annabelle... Trudy... Maisey... Oh, Norman!" In short order, he too exploded. Annoyed to see the first shot land across his desk, Khan steered Mudd's dick toward the floor. Only once Harry's eruption had ended did Khan feel that he could safely release him.

I can't say I relish the fact that my name is among those he's moaning.

Also, "annoyed," at Harry's exploding jizz "eruption" shooting across the room and up onto his desk? I'd just be glad it didn't do any more damage. Sounds pretty fucking dangerous to me.

Moments later, they both had their pants securely fastened about their waists once again. Harry continued talking a mile a minute. "I say, Khan, have you ever thought of going into business? You've got the softest hands in outer spa-aaace!"

Khan had seized him by the throat with lightening quick reflexes and fingers of steel. "Mind your tongue, you pompous buffoon, or I shall most assuredly tear it out and feed it to you! You will never speak of this to anyone, under pain of death."

I honestly feared Harry was breaking into song there. Luckily it was just Khan finally deciding he's gonna have to choke a bitch. Hate to say it, but if he'd just gone with the choking and death threats in the first place, he'd have saved himself one hell of an embarrassing scenario.

Actually... more like:

"Of course not, of course not." Khan released him, and Harry rubbed his neck, choking and coughing. "You just point me to my provisions and I'll be out of your hair forever."

Khan stabbed a button on his desktop intercom. "Joachim!" A moment later, the young man entered. He wrinkled his nose, and his eyes went immediately to the puddles on the floor. Having gotten used to it, Khan cursed himself for forgetting about the stink he and Mudd had raised. "Provide Mr. Mudd with a week's worth of provisions -- no more! Then escort him to his ship, and see that he leaves."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Khan-old-boy." Harry offered his hand, but Khan only looked at him disdainfully. "Yes, well, cheerio." As he exited the room, Harry called out behind him. "Just remember what me dear old pappy used to say... Walk softly, and carry a big stick!" His belly-laugh echoed down the corridor as he disappeared.

Like a jolly, perverted Santa Claus in the distance.....

Okay guys and gals. The moral of this story? The best way to solve an argument is by getting out your cock. Just be sure yours is bigger than your challenger's or awquard competetive masturbation might ensue.

Links: [The Fic] - "The Biggest Stick" by longbeachtrekstar

"Whisper in the Water" an Ash/Vaporeon fanfic.

I was thinking, the fics I've been featuring have been a bit tame so far. Yes, they've been a bit weird, but there's many worse things out there. So tonight I'm stepping things up a level with this Pokémon fic.

Okay. Yes. This is a fucking twisted one. Maybe you're hoping that Ash and Vaporeon's relationship in the fic is a strictly platonic one? Nope, sorry. This one's got Pokésex.

Sometimes the worst fanfictions are to be found, not on an official fanfic site like fanfiction.net, or even on a community site dedicated to a certain fandom- but on a writer's personal site. This is definitely the case with today's fic. This particular writer - Phantomness - has their own geocites site featuring all of their severely fucked-up Pokémon stories. Ranging from Jessie being kept as Ash's sex slave, to Ash being sexually abused by two evil Pokémon and sort of enjoying it. This site has every perverted Poképhile's dream fanfiction. If you wish to see the whole lot, be my guest, but I have selected one from the mix to show you now.

In the words of Phantomness:

"WARNING: If underage to view graphic material, as in *under age 17/18 or 21 depending on where you live* LEAVE NOW!!!! That means you! I refuse to be held responsible for children who don't heed my warnings."

THAT MEANS YOU, CHILD!

Honestly, I think age is immaterial here. With this fic, you're going to be disturbed however old you are.

Another lemon, do not read if under legal age and all that.

Disclaimer: Take the hint. I don’t own pokemon at all.

Notes: ** indicates thoughts, italics indicates pokemon speaking.

Ash is 16, Misty is 17, and Brock is 21. Ash is smarter and has a lot more pokemon.

Basically, Ash isn't Ash. He's some twatty, unfeeling 16-year-old who likes sex with Pokémon.

And I'm sorry, but making him 16 here doesn't make up for the fact that he's an innocent little 10-year-old in the TV series. Choosing a character like that to put into a sexual fic is weird enough, before you even get to the Pokémon-sexing.

Haanyway. The author launches straight in there with a little scene-setting:

Ash and Misty were at the beach. Brock was checking out all the pretty girls. Pikachu was off at the hot dog stand, getting free food because the guy running it thought she was cute, and Togepi had drowned.

Um, what? Pikachu's a she and is chatting up humans? Yup. That's how things roll in this universe, apparently.

And before you ask.. No, we don't get any information as to why/how/when Togepi drowned. It just did. Apparently that's enough plot depth.

“WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Ash finally couldn’t take Misty’s wailing over her ‘precious egg’ anymore and got up.

“I’m going for a swim.”

“You meanie!” Misty screamed, malleting him. “Togepi is dead and you’re trying to leave?!”

“Misty, I hated that pokemon!” Ash said. “He was so annoying!”

Misty angrily turned into a giant head. “WHAT DID YOU SAY!?”

“Sheesh, I can’t believe I even liked you.” Ash said.

Misty malleted him again.

It's quickly established that Ash has become a no-nonsense bastard in this writer's universe.

And I'm assuming that, by "malleted," they mean it in a comical animé sense of someone (usually female) whipping out a big mallet and smashing a (usually male) character over the head with it for saying something stupid. Rather than this definition from Urban Dictionary.

“Whoa.” Brock said. “Calm down, Misty.” He had torn his eyes from his newest attraction when her boyfriend had shown up. And threatened Brock with his Wartortle.

(I wouldn't be surprised if this was some kind of terrible innuendo.)

Misty's not impressed by the boys and turns to leave. Ash thinks about how annoying she is and Brock suggests giving Togepi "a nice funeral." Ash gets roped into it, to his dismay, and spends some time on a ranty internal monologue:

Ash sighed as he was forced to collect rocks to build Togepi a memorial. * Stupid thing. It’s a pathetic pokemon. Why am I wasting my time like this? Obviously, because Misty is forcing me to. I hate her! Why does she follow me around?! Her bike’s already been repaired. *

Ash continued to rant in his head while they built the memorial.

Finally, after six excruciating hours (Misty wanted it perfect) they were allowed to leave.

Women and their bloody sensitivities, eh?

Cut to...

A few days later, they were traveling in the woods. A trainer came up and challenged Ash.

“I challenge you to a battle!”

“Fine.” Ash said.

“Kakuna, go!”

Ash sweatdropped. * What? Pathetic… *

Oh dear. Yet another animé visual feature written in. I suppose in a well-written fanfiction, it might add to the imagery. But in most cases, it just sounds ridiculous.

I've cut most of the fight scene out. It mostly consists of Ash winning the battle in a totally smug manner. Massaging his own ego after each round is won. Until....

“Swinub, go!”

Ash looked at the little ice pig a bit pityingly. “Too bad it’s part ground-type. Bayleef, Razor Leaf again.”

There goes Swinub…

“Argh! You useless pokemon! Fine! Vaporeon, go!”

Ash stared at the Vaporeon. * What did he do to it?! * Vaporeon looked sickly and frail, as well as covered with bruises. None of the trainer’s other pokemon looked that bad, although they were all weak and tired.

“Bayleef, Sleep Powder!”

Bayleef grinned and put Vaporeon to sleep.

“Wake up, you stupid thing!” The trainer yelled, kicking his Vaporeon. It didn’t budge.

“Damn it! Wake up!” This time, he kicked harder.

“Stop!” Ash said. “It’s not Vaporeon’s fault!”

“Oh yeah?” The trainer asked. He pulled out a whip and began whipping the Vaporeon. “Useless thing!”

Ash and Pikachu saw red. An instant later, a battered trainer, crispy black, lay there on the ground.

Ash quickly picked up Vaporeon and flew to the pokemon center on Pidgeot’s back, ignoring Misty and Brock’s cries.

Hmm. So Ash mocks Misty's dead Pokemon, and begrudges her for wanting to mourn it.... But when there's a bit of Pokémon-whipping going on, by golly, this boy will not stand for it!

Soon, Nurse Joy returned.

“Vaporeon is very weak. What happened to her?”

“It’s a girl?”

Yes it is a girl. Why does it matter if it's a girl? *Sigh* Just you wait. Unfortunately, we find out later.

“Please take care of vaporeon.” Ash said.

“I will. But she’s going to be very weak for weeks.”

“All right.” Ash said. He healed the rest of his pokemon, and left.

Bye-bye Vaporeon!
Or so we think. But three weeks later, the little water-creature is healed and ready to be released into the wild. Soon she runs into Ash, who has clearly been walking very slowly these past three weeks because he's still in the woods next to the Pokémon Centre.

Ash is losing quite spectacularly in a battle. (Not so smug now, ey?) So Vaporeon bravely steps in to save the day, chasing the other Trainer and his Pokémon away.

“Vaporeon?” Ash asked, surprised.

Vaporeon nodded shyly and smiled at him.

“Thank you for saving me.”

Vaporeon licked his face and smiled. Then, she tapped one of his poke balls.

(Ey up! But no, that bit comes in later.)

“You want to come with me?”

Vaporeon nodded. Ash grinned and captured her. “All right then.”

(..By 'later,' I meant 'now.')

A few days had passed, before Vaporeon felt brave enough to make her move. She opened her poke ball and crept to where Ash was. She crept into his sleeping bag, making sure that he was still unconscious.

What follows is Pokémon sex. She takes advantage of a sleeping Ash, who seems to enjoy it nonetheless. If you want to read it in its full graphic-ness, follow the link at the end of the post or click the title of the post. Suffice to say, there's sex, and then there's a blowjob. I don't know the exact size of a Vaporeon, or how the logistics of this would work, but apparently it does work. And I will pick up on this, particularly disturbing line:

...she immediately slid herself onto his dick without any preparation. She was already naturally wet, as a water pokemon, so there was no problem.

There's something I did NOT want to know about a Pokemon's 'type advantages.' Uurgh.

And "no problem," was used very carelessly here. You see, there is a problem with humans having sex with pokémon, in my humble opinion.

Satiated, Vaporeon hopped back into her poke ball and curled up to sleep.

The next morning, Ash woke up, wondering where his boxers had gone. He shrugged. * Must have forgot to put them on last night. *

Vaporeon grinned to herself.

Why is there need to change cute little Pokémon into evil sex-vixens?! It's like a lizard/cat thing. Not made for sex with humans. Not made to seduce humans. Just. Just a pet. Is that not enough!?

Oh but it doesn't end there. You might be thinking this is less perverse, since Ash was sort of sleep-raped. He doesn't know he was fucking a Pokémon, so he can't really be blamed. Let's blame it all on the creepy water pokémon, yes?

No.

“Well, time to go train.” Ash said. He had found a river, so he and his water pokemon spent all day swimming, training, and playing. The sun was setting when Ash finally got out.

“Okay, guys, dinner’s ready!”

The pokemon rushed to the poke chow, except for Vaporeon.

Ash looked at her. “Aren’t you hungry?”

She is, but not for food.

Vaporeon shook her head. She nudged his legs. Ash blinked, and was suddenly taken by surprise when she yanked off his swimming trunks and butted his cock with her head.

Ash blushed. “You want me to?”

Vaporeon nodded and flopped onto her back, whining.

Ash smiled. “All right then.”

I don't even want to write what happens next. Luckily, the writer uses a delicate floral metaphor:

She tasted really good! Surprised, Ash continued lapping at her flower, and was rewarded a few minutes later by a sweet gush of nectar.

Holy shit.

Soon, Vaporeon had recovered from her orgasm and was begging for more. Ash shrugged and mounted her, sliding inside. She was wet and warm, and Ash quickly began humping her uncontrollably. Vaporeon cried out shrilly as Ash continued to pound at her.

OH YES! DO IT TO ME MASTER!

“VAPOREON!” Ash screamed

Holy, holy shit.

...Ash shot his seed deep into her womb...

Does Poké-Human sex result in pregnancy? D:
Let's hope not.

So, there's more sex that I really can't bring myself to quote again... Presumably all in front of the other pokémon - which somehow makes it even worse in my mind. Poor little Pikachu's trying to eat his dinner! He does NOT need those kind of scenes playing out in front of him.

...before she returned to her poke ball.

Ash grinned himself. * Who needs Misty? I have everything I need already. *

He knew that from then on, his journey would be much more interesting…

..And.. There it ends.

Please excuse me whilst I go and bang my head against a hard surface.


LINKS: [The fic] - "Whisper in the water" by Phantomness.
[More from this writer] - Phantomness's Lemon Fanfiction.
[Definitions] - Lemon - Malleted - Sweatdrop

"Radical Ring Power" - A Lord of the Rings / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles crossover.

Now this one isn't even pornographic in the slightest. But it is hilarious, so I felt the need to share! It's a crossover/parody fic involving the Ninja Turtles adventuring with Frodo and friends, to prevent Saruman and Shredder's joint forces from taking over the world. It's quite a long fic in 6 parts. But definietly worth a read if you're a fan of TMNT and LotR.

LINKS: [The fic] Lord Of The Rings And Ninja Turtles: Radical Ring Power

"Exotic" - A Doctor Who/TARDIS/Martha Fic.

I'm not sure "Exotic" really covers it, but never mind.

In this fic, we discover an interesting dynamic in the Doctor/TARDIS relationship. Namely, that they're shagging. Behind Martha's back. (How does a Time Lord go about shagging a spaceship? Oh you'll find out.)

....Until she walks in on them at it. But luckily for The Doctor, Martha is open-minded to the point that her brain is in danger of falling out. And Man on Machine is exactly the kind of thing that floats her boat.

See the fic in its full glory by following the link at the bottom, or clicking on the title of this entry. Be warned, this is pretty long because the fic was long too. Believe me, I've cut it down as best I can!

--------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------

Firstly, I don't suppose the author can be fully blamed for inflicting this on people. S/he does warn us - "Please do NOT read this if the idea of having sex with the TARDIS squicks you."

But it's not in my nature to let a little old warning stop me, so here we go...

Martha woke from a deep sleep to the sound of the TARDIS apparently moaning, like someone in pain. She lay listening for a few moments, then switched on her bedside light and sat up, her head tilted to one side.

Earlier, the Doctor had told her:

"I want to check the TARDIS over... make sure all her systems are fully functional after being out of action for nearly three months."

As it turns out, "check over" and "out of action" are meant in a very different context than you'd usually imagine.

"Doctor," she called, peering down into the eerie, green-lit space.

There was no response and she was just wondering whether he'd gone to the kitchen for a cup of tea...

Oh, if only. That would make for a good PG-13 version of this story.

Sadly this is far from the truth, as Martha is about to discover. She climbs down the ladder into the control room, to the sound of more moans and groans from the TARDIS. Gosh, she marvels, the ship must really be in pain to be making all these sex noises.

So, she works her way down until she's inside the control room, where she notices two things:

1) the column was much bigger round down here than it was up in the Control Room.

2) the Doctor was on the opposite side of the platform, and he was straddling one of the coral branches, completely nude.

I certainly know which one of those I'd have noticed first.

His eyes were closed, which was why he hadn't spotted her yet, and he had an ecstatic look on his face as he grasped the branch tightly; Martha felt a throb of excitement between her legs as she realised that he looked like a man in throes of sexual pleasure.

Excitement? ...Not shock/horror/embarassment? ..Nope? Okay then.

Then she registered that he was, in fact, having sex with the TARDIS: she could see him thrusting his hips forwards and backwards.

How can that be so matter-of-fact? I can't picture this scene in my head as anything other than awkward, laughable and more than a bit disturbing!

Anyway, The Doctor reaches his climax, with more moaning and shuddering from the TARDIS. Martha falls over due to the shuddering - she's moaning too, because she obviously can't control herself in the face of Time Lord / TARDIS action.

This makes for embarrassing times all round, because the Doctor hears her moaning, turns round, and realises she's seen him riding his spaceship naked... (Much like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus. Except less horse, more spaceship.)

"You really are an alien, aren't you?" she observed quietly.

The Doctor gave her a thoughtful look, noting that she didn't seem horrified or upset at what she'd discovered. He also noticed the increased scent of pheromones she was giving off.

Not only is she not horrified. She's actually turned on.

"Do you shag your ship often?" she asked

"Of course, I've seen the way you pilot the TARDIS," she continued, "and I have to admit, I'd wondered."

(Um, what? I can safely say that I never had wondered.)

She gave him a smile and he felt himself growing hard again. "I bet you thought I hadn't noticed the pronounced bulge in your trousers after you've been using your feet on the console."

"You noticed that?" he asked.

She nodded, eyes bright with amusement. "It was enough to give me wet dreams," she told him.

How romantic.

The Doctor certainly thinks so, and suddenly finds himself aroused by Martha's presence. 'You get off on me getting off with machines? Hawt.'

The sexual tension builds - he wants her, she wants him. They kiss. The Doctor props her up against the very branch he was just humping, and proceeds to use one of the most macho-sounding pre-sex lines ever:

"Ready?" he asked.

She is ready. So it's ready, aim, fire, so to speak. They have very enjoyable sex, no doubt fuelled by thoughts of the Doctor at his control panel. Martha seems to reach about fifty climaxes throughout. Fair enough. Maybe the Doctor's good in that area. But it's when the TARDIS actually starts joining in that things get a bit weird.

The TARDIS was also moaning and shuddering, sharing in their pleasure through her emotional and telepathic link to the Time Lord, and the Doctor could feel her pleasure feeding his as he grew closer to his own climax.

That's it? You say. Nooo, unfortunately that is not it.

They go back up to the TARDIS bedroom. Martha surmises that when the Doctor runs his fingers through his hair, he is actually sexually pleasuring himself. Or...something. Thanks for that image, author-of-fic. I will never be able to watch an episode of Tennant-era Doctor Who in the same way again.

She ran her hands through his hair (which we've now established as similar to touching his penis, I suppose) and played with it until he growled and rolled them over, pinning her body beneath his as he slid his hard cock into her heated core and they made love again.

"Heated core" is the female equivalent of "stiff prick" or "throbbing member." It's just neeever going to sound sexy.

Martha and the Doctor wake up spooning. Martha's happy she hasn't dreamt it all. That's right - happy, not relieved.

The Doctor points out that sexing the TARDIS is vital, to restore the bond between a Time Lord and their ship. Martha asks if all Time Lords do it. The Doctor says the only one he ever asked said she didn't do it.

Um... Not so vital, then, surely? But Martha's got other things on her mind, and doesn't question that.

"Could a female Time Lord do it?"

His hands stilled. "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

Please God, don't let her be asking what he thinks she's asking.

"What do you think I'm asking?"

"If you can shag the TARDIS."

Aaaaand, yes she is asking that.

So, they head on down to the control room, where Martha straddles the branch The Doctor was sitting on previously... It grows a kind of "TARDIS equivalent of a cock" (the writer's words, not mine!) and she.. has sex with it.

He held her as she lowered herself down with a moan as the ship filled her.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Oh god, yes!"

Oh god NO.

The Doctor joins in with kisses and erection-rubbings. Martha, rather redundantly, points out:

"This has to be the most unusual sex I've ever had,"

You don't say.

The TARDIS is vibrating, the Doctor smiles, thinking the "Old Girl" must be enjoying herself. Presumably the TARDIS, not Martha. The TARDIS shows Martha lots of nice images - stars, galaxies, vortexes, etc, as she orgasms. Nice little slideshow to supplement the lovemaking process.

Martha falls forward against the Doctor. She feels that he's still hard and thinks it only polite to ask if he wants finishing off.

"You haven't come," she said.

"No."

"Don't you want to?" she asked.

"Yes."

Blunt, but honest I suppose. So she sees to it that he does. Happy ending for everybody. Even the TARDIS is happy.

The TARDIS hummed quietly to herself, satisfied that not only had she restored her link with her Time Lord, but she had also resolved the tension that had arisen between him and his companion during their stay in Farringham.

THE END.

If you're a Doctor Who fan, good luck with ever being able to see The Doctor leaning over his control panel in an innocent way again.

Fun fact: The Doctor/TARDIS relationship is known as DocTARD in the Dr Who shipping community. It has quite a following. Not sure about DocMarthTARD, though.

LINKS: [The fic] - "Exotic" by Persiflage