"FIC" - A Jesus/Judas fanfic.

Hey-ho! I'm finally back by popular demand. (You asked for it, you mentalists!)

I'm not quite sure what's going on in the facial expressions in that picture, but I feel it perfectly illustrates the fic I'm about to show you. Which, I shit you not, is a BIBLE SLASH fanfic.

Now, what really baffles me most about this is who writes the bloody things?! There is a whole Christ_Slash community on livejournal, devoted to fans of gay Jesus porn. But.. if you're religious, surely it's the height of blasphemy to think/write about Jesus bumming men? (Particularly if that man is the one who goes on to betray him to his death...) HOWEVER... Why would you be interested in Jesus or Judas in the first place if you're not religious?

Sigh. It's a mystery to me. People are strange.

Anyway, I picked one fic from the many to share tonight. This one is by the imaginatively named jesuslovesjudas , a member of the livejournal Christ_Slash community.

I like his/her opening lines:

Rating: VERY NC-17 VERY....you are warned!!!

I am warned!!! With a double capital "VERY." You know it's going to be a good one when the rating is enclosed with 2 very's.

Pairing: Jesus/Judas
Warning: Some pain, very pornographic and graphic in general lol

Graphic porn and pain? Rofl!11

Notes: I didnt write the Bible...duh

Somehow I get the feeling the whole Christian faith is thanking their God for this very fact.

Right, on with the plot please.

We kick off with a little scene-setting to try and convince you there's a story behind the sex. There isn't. Jesus basically lures Judas into an old house to shag him. Fun times are had by all. Enjoy:

Jesus stood behind the closed door staring at Judas who was leaning against the cracked wall across the room. Judas was worried because the rabbi had asked the other brothers to wait with Elizabeth at her house and he had led Judas on a silent walk to this abandoned old house in the backstreets of Jerusalem. It was a million degrees that season...

(A million? Yeah, okay then.)

...and Judas was in a small waist wrap and old, nearly broken sandals…Jesus the same, and sweat dripped from their long hair and goatees glistening on their bodies, toned and fit from prolonged walking.

The bit about the glistening goatee sweat is a bit of a foreshadowing of how mistaken this writer is about the kind of imagery they believe is attractive in sex scenes.

I'd also like to point out that you should be thanking me for breaking this up into chunks. It's all one continuous paragraph in the original fic. Which, of course, makes it even more of a joy to read.

Judas was breathing heavily and his heart was beating as the good teacher approached him, cradled his cheek in his hand and went in to kiss him in friendship as he had done many times; however this time, Iscariot felt his teacher’s smooth and soft tongue pass between his quivering lips and engage the future traitor in a real kiss, which he returned, and it seemed to last an eternity…that kiss, and Judas was disappointed when finally Jesus removed him mouth from the apostle and then proceeded to explore his sweaty body, feeling every inch of visible skin, making the boy’s cock grow and twitch beneath the linen wrap, and moans erupted from his trembling frame.

I love it when writers try to use every possible alternative name/description for a character in an attempt to avoid repeating the same name over and over again. The only purpose that substituting "Judas" for "the boy" and "Jesus" for "his teacher" serves is giving the fic even weirder undertones...

I'd honestly find it less distracting and weird it if they just went with the character's actual name and repeated it a few times rather than scraping the bottom of the name-barrel and producing bizarre substitutes.

Te rabbi then set Judas down and began to undue the wrap.

With undue enthusiasm and haste...

Judas though of saying something but was in to much awe and adoration…not to mention sexual frustration…that he kept silent.

"Wow, this is a bit weird! ..Ah well, I am pretty desperate. Best just shut up."

Jesus watched as the trail of hair descending from the boy’s navel faded into a thick bush which cradled in it a throbbing erection. The good rabbi slowly lowered himself until his soft lips caressed the tip of the circumcised penis, and his tongue licked a circle around the edge before descending the shaft and swallowing up the cock, sending Judas into moans of pleasure, as Jesus accepted the rod down to the back of his throat.

....?!

He traveled back up, swirling again his agile tongue around the salty brim before going again down, cheeks withdrawn, to the hairy base making Judas buck his hips and press into the Lord’s long locks. Jesus withdrew from the erection and slowly removed his own wrappings, exposing a large veined erection cradled by black hair.

Ah yes, this would be where the attractive imagery I discussed earlier comes into play.

Judas sighed at its sight and rubbed his own cock, trying to relieve some of the tension, but the gentle hand that guided him, Christ, removed it and raised the boy’s legs onto his shoulders. Jesus slid one long finger down Iscariot’s crack, teasing, before applying pressure to the apostle’s quivering hole, then finally penetrating it and slowly allowing his digit to be engulfed by his lover’s entrance.

I did go to church (reluctantly) as a child. And I'm pretty sure Jesus was referred to as "the gentle hand that guides us." ....But I always imagined it meant that his was the gentle hand that guides us about our day to day business, rather than the hand that guides our legs up onto his shoulders so he can love us in the bum. Oh well.

Those services just took on some frightening new connotations.

Judas moaned and pressed against the lord’s finger until Jesus protruded another one deep inside of the boy pulling and pushing, slowly stretching the opening. And again Jesus added a finger, and with a grand total of three he began to stretch, pleasure, and relax Judas’s hole.

Grand total? It's sex, not a bloody game show..
"Congratulations, Jesus! That's a graaaand total of THREE fingers you now have up Judas's arse. ...You've won the speedboat and the kitchenette!"

The future traitor moaned and bucked his hips, his large erection spewing salty precum out onto his mass of black hair. Jesus removed all three digits and then placed his own massive and leaking head at the ready opening and applied pressure.

Am I missing something here, or is this just hideously unattractive sex vocab? "Spewing precum" and "leaking head"? No thanks.

Judas let out a muffled scream of pleasure and pain as the sword of Christ plummeted into his body..

Sword of Christ? Are they fucking kidding?!
Well, they've clearly been watching the right videos, that's for sure.

...racking him with sharp pain and dull pleasure, his eyes rolling back into his head he called out YESHUA YESHUA, bucking against the large cock and begging for more from his Lord and above all….MASTER! Jesus moaned and pressed more and more, harder and harder against the hole, pressing it to its limits and then he felt his balls tighten and he removed his cock and spewed cum over Judas’s chest, mixing it with the sweat, as he let out stream after stream of it.

I'm adding "YESHUA YESHUA" to my list of things that need to be called out more often during sex. Along with Dorothy's "Jiminy Cricket!"

I'm adding "streams of cum spewing out of Jesus's large cock and mingling with Judas's chest-sweat" to the list of images that I will be weeping over and wishing I could erase from my mind for many years to come.

He breathed hard and then looked down at Judas’s cum covered body, which had not yet experienced orgasm, and lay on his back and elevated his legs, showing Judas what he was meaning. Judas understood perfectly and mounted the Lord, placing a finger before the Lord’s opening, but Jesus rebuked him and looked him square in the eye, showing what he wanted. Judas nodded and without any preparation he let out a harsh scream and pushed his cock as hard as he could towards Jesus’ virgin hole.

"Mounted the Lord," "The Lord's opening" and "Jesus' virgin hole" are all phrases I probably could have lived without seeing. Never mind, ey?

The savior screamed in agony and sadistic pleasure as the cock forced open the tight fleshy hole making blood trickle down Judas’s shaft and sending waves of felling over both partners.

Auugh. This is sending some waves of felling over me right now, and it really doesn't fell too good. At all.

Judas forced the cock in and out, violating that holy body, filling it to the brim with dick, Judas was grunting and Jesus was moaning and sometimes screaming at the sharp jabs of Judas. Judas finally tightened and filled Christ’s entrails with seed, pumping jet after jet of white juice into the virgin body of Christ. He collapsed onto his teacher’s body heaving and his heart pounding out of his chest, as his cock went limp and slid from the entrance of the rabbi. They slept that way till dawn and the silent walk back to Elizabeth’s.

I.. I don't even know where to start! ..Brim full of dick? ENTRAILS filled with white juice?

Oh for fuck's sake.

The imagery in this fic makes the Hermione/Ferret fic sound utterly tasteful in comparison.

LINKS: [The Fic] - Jesus/Judas by jesuslovesjudas

"Whisper in the Water" an Ash/Vaporeon fanfic.

I was thinking, the fics I've been featuring have been a bit tame so far. Yes, they've been a bit weird, but there's many worse things out there. So tonight I'm stepping things up a level with this Pokémon fic.

Okay. Yes. This is a fucking twisted one. Maybe you're hoping that Ash and Vaporeon's relationship in the fic is a strictly platonic one? Nope, sorry. This one's got Pokésex.

Sometimes the worst fanfictions are to be found, not on an official fanfic site like fanfiction.net, or even on a community site dedicated to a certain fandom- but on a writer's personal site. This is definitely the case with today's fic. This particular writer - Phantomness - has their own geocites site featuring all of their severely fucked-up Pokémon stories. Ranging from Jessie being kept as Ash's sex slave, to Ash being sexually abused by two evil Pokémon and sort of enjoying it. This site has every perverted Poképhile's dream fanfiction. If you wish to see the whole lot, be my guest, but I have selected one from the mix to show you now.

In the words of Phantomness:

"WARNING: If underage to view graphic material, as in *under age 17/18 or 21 depending on where you live* LEAVE NOW!!!! That means you! I refuse to be held responsible for children who don't heed my warnings."

THAT MEANS YOU, CHILD!

Honestly, I think age is immaterial here. With this fic, you're going to be disturbed however old you are.

Another lemon, do not read if under legal age and all that.

Disclaimer: Take the hint. I don’t own pokemon at all.

Notes: ** indicates thoughts, italics indicates pokemon speaking.

Ash is 16, Misty is 17, and Brock is 21. Ash is smarter and has a lot more pokemon.

Basically, Ash isn't Ash. He's some twatty, unfeeling 16-year-old who likes sex with Pokémon.

And I'm sorry, but making him 16 here doesn't make up for the fact that he's an innocent little 10-year-old in the TV series. Choosing a character like that to put into a sexual fic is weird enough, before you even get to the Pokémon-sexing.

Haanyway. The author launches straight in there with a little scene-setting:

Ash and Misty were at the beach. Brock was checking out all the pretty girls. Pikachu was off at the hot dog stand, getting free food because the guy running it thought she was cute, and Togepi had drowned.

Um, what? Pikachu's a she and is chatting up humans? Yup. That's how things roll in this universe, apparently.

And before you ask.. No, we don't get any information as to why/how/when Togepi drowned. It just did. Apparently that's enough plot depth.

“WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Ash finally couldn’t take Misty’s wailing over her ‘precious egg’ anymore and got up.

“I’m going for a swim.”

“You meanie!” Misty screamed, malleting him. “Togepi is dead and you’re trying to leave?!”

“Misty, I hated that pokemon!” Ash said. “He was so annoying!”

Misty angrily turned into a giant head. “WHAT DID YOU SAY!?”

“Sheesh, I can’t believe I even liked you.” Ash said.

Misty malleted him again.

It's quickly established that Ash has become a no-nonsense bastard in this writer's universe.

And I'm assuming that, by "malleted," they mean it in a comical animé sense of someone (usually female) whipping out a big mallet and smashing a (usually male) character over the head with it for saying something stupid. Rather than this definition from Urban Dictionary.

“Whoa.” Brock said. “Calm down, Misty.” He had torn his eyes from his newest attraction when her boyfriend had shown up. And threatened Brock with his Wartortle.

(I wouldn't be surprised if this was some kind of terrible innuendo.)

Misty's not impressed by the boys and turns to leave. Ash thinks about how annoying she is and Brock suggests giving Togepi "a nice funeral." Ash gets roped into it, to his dismay, and spends some time on a ranty internal monologue:

Ash sighed as he was forced to collect rocks to build Togepi a memorial. * Stupid thing. It’s a pathetic pokemon. Why am I wasting my time like this? Obviously, because Misty is forcing me to. I hate her! Why does she follow me around?! Her bike’s already been repaired. *

Ash continued to rant in his head while they built the memorial.

Finally, after six excruciating hours (Misty wanted it perfect) they were allowed to leave.

Women and their bloody sensitivities, eh?

Cut to...

A few days later, they were traveling in the woods. A trainer came up and challenged Ash.

“I challenge you to a battle!”

“Fine.” Ash said.

“Kakuna, go!”

Ash sweatdropped. * What? Pathetic… *

Oh dear. Yet another animé visual feature written in. I suppose in a well-written fanfiction, it might add to the imagery. But in most cases, it just sounds ridiculous.

I've cut most of the fight scene out. It mostly consists of Ash winning the battle in a totally smug manner. Massaging his own ego after each round is won. Until....

“Swinub, go!”

Ash looked at the little ice pig a bit pityingly. “Too bad it’s part ground-type. Bayleef, Razor Leaf again.”

There goes Swinub…

“Argh! You useless pokemon! Fine! Vaporeon, go!”

Ash stared at the Vaporeon. * What did he do to it?! * Vaporeon looked sickly and frail, as well as covered with bruises. None of the trainer’s other pokemon looked that bad, although they were all weak and tired.

“Bayleef, Sleep Powder!”

Bayleef grinned and put Vaporeon to sleep.

“Wake up, you stupid thing!” The trainer yelled, kicking his Vaporeon. It didn’t budge.

“Damn it! Wake up!” This time, he kicked harder.

“Stop!” Ash said. “It’s not Vaporeon’s fault!”

“Oh yeah?” The trainer asked. He pulled out a whip and began whipping the Vaporeon. “Useless thing!”

Ash and Pikachu saw red. An instant later, a battered trainer, crispy black, lay there on the ground.

Ash quickly picked up Vaporeon and flew to the pokemon center on Pidgeot’s back, ignoring Misty and Brock’s cries.

Hmm. So Ash mocks Misty's dead Pokemon, and begrudges her for wanting to mourn it.... But when there's a bit of Pokémon-whipping going on, by golly, this boy will not stand for it!

Soon, Nurse Joy returned.

“Vaporeon is very weak. What happened to her?”

“It’s a girl?”

Yes it is a girl. Why does it matter if it's a girl? *Sigh* Just you wait. Unfortunately, we find out later.

“Please take care of vaporeon.” Ash said.

“I will. But she’s going to be very weak for weeks.”

“All right.” Ash said. He healed the rest of his pokemon, and left.

Bye-bye Vaporeon!
Or so we think. But three weeks later, the little water-creature is healed and ready to be released into the wild. Soon she runs into Ash, who has clearly been walking very slowly these past three weeks because he's still in the woods next to the Pokémon Centre.

Ash is losing quite spectacularly in a battle. (Not so smug now, ey?) So Vaporeon bravely steps in to save the day, chasing the other Trainer and his Pokémon away.

“Vaporeon?” Ash asked, surprised.

Vaporeon nodded shyly and smiled at him.

“Thank you for saving me.”

Vaporeon licked his face and smiled. Then, she tapped one of his poke balls.

(Ey up! But no, that bit comes in later.)

“You want to come with me?”

Vaporeon nodded. Ash grinned and captured her. “All right then.”

(..By 'later,' I meant 'now.')

A few days had passed, before Vaporeon felt brave enough to make her move. She opened her poke ball and crept to where Ash was. She crept into his sleeping bag, making sure that he was still unconscious.

What follows is Pokémon sex. She takes advantage of a sleeping Ash, who seems to enjoy it nonetheless. If you want to read it in its full graphic-ness, follow the link at the end of the post or click the title of the post. Suffice to say, there's sex, and then there's a blowjob. I don't know the exact size of a Vaporeon, or how the logistics of this would work, but apparently it does work. And I will pick up on this, particularly disturbing line:

...she immediately slid herself onto his dick without any preparation. She was already naturally wet, as a water pokemon, so there was no problem.

There's something I did NOT want to know about a Pokemon's 'type advantages.' Uurgh.

And "no problem," was used very carelessly here. You see, there is a problem with humans having sex with pokémon, in my humble opinion.

Satiated, Vaporeon hopped back into her poke ball and curled up to sleep.

The next morning, Ash woke up, wondering where his boxers had gone. He shrugged. * Must have forgot to put them on last night. *

Vaporeon grinned to herself.

Why is there need to change cute little Pokémon into evil sex-vixens?! It's like a lizard/cat thing. Not made for sex with humans. Not made to seduce humans. Just. Just a pet. Is that not enough!?

Oh but it doesn't end there. You might be thinking this is less perverse, since Ash was sort of sleep-raped. He doesn't know he was fucking a Pokémon, so he can't really be blamed. Let's blame it all on the creepy water pokémon, yes?

No.

“Well, time to go train.” Ash said. He had found a river, so he and his water pokemon spent all day swimming, training, and playing. The sun was setting when Ash finally got out.

“Okay, guys, dinner’s ready!”

The pokemon rushed to the poke chow, except for Vaporeon.

Ash looked at her. “Aren’t you hungry?”

She is, but not for food.

Vaporeon shook her head. She nudged his legs. Ash blinked, and was suddenly taken by surprise when she yanked off his swimming trunks and butted his cock with her head.

Ash blushed. “You want me to?”

Vaporeon nodded and flopped onto her back, whining.

Ash smiled. “All right then.”

I don't even want to write what happens next. Luckily, the writer uses a delicate floral metaphor:

She tasted really good! Surprised, Ash continued lapping at her flower, and was rewarded a few minutes later by a sweet gush of nectar.

Holy shit.

Soon, Vaporeon had recovered from her orgasm and was begging for more. Ash shrugged and mounted her, sliding inside. She was wet and warm, and Ash quickly began humping her uncontrollably. Vaporeon cried out shrilly as Ash continued to pound at her.

OH YES! DO IT TO ME MASTER!

“VAPOREON!” Ash screamed

Holy, holy shit.

...Ash shot his seed deep into her womb...

Does Poké-Human sex result in pregnancy? D:
Let's hope not.

So, there's more sex that I really can't bring myself to quote again... Presumably all in front of the other pokémon - which somehow makes it even worse in my mind. Poor little Pikachu's trying to eat his dinner! He does NOT need those kind of scenes playing out in front of him.

...before she returned to her poke ball.

Ash grinned himself. * Who needs Misty? I have everything I need already. *

He knew that from then on, his journey would be much more interesting…

..And.. There it ends.

Please excuse me whilst I go and bang my head against a hard surface.


LINKS: [The fic] - "Whisper in the water" by Phantomness.
[More from this writer] - Phantomness's Lemon Fanfiction.
[Definitions] - Lemon - Malleted - Sweatdrop