Right! I'm back and reporting for duty. This fic was chosen for a couple of reasons:
REASON 1) In honour of the release of the new Star Trek movie. (Well, not sure "honour" is the right word...)
REASON 2) It's a bit of light-hearted insanity to ease me (and everyone else) back into that regular blogging psyche. I had some freaky shit lined up, but it nearly broke my brain/made me sick when I tried to write it up as a post.... So I'm going for this one. Which is admittedly not an attractive set of mental images, but it's more "Hah, WTF?" than "holy fuck, this makes me want to scoop out my own brain with a salad spoon."
REASON 3) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN.
On with the show....
Title: The Biggest StickThe title "The Biggest Stick," should give you one or two ideas about what events may unfold in this fanfic. But unless you're thinking "ego-driven-mutual-wanking session"... Then you're a little off the mark. Let me enlighten you:
Summary: Mudd lands on Khan's planet. But is Ceti Alpha V big enough for both of these egos?
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. This is not for profit, just for fun. If Harry makes you an offer, report him to the proper authorities.
Khan sat at his desk, waiting for his subjects to return. He ran his fingers over the rich Corinthian leather of the armrests as he reflected on the last eighteen months. They'd made great progress here on Ceti Alpha V, despite its harsh environment, but he would never admit this to them. He would not let them grow soft and complacent -- he always demanded more. And he certainly would not allow outsiders to interfere in their affairs. Whoever was on the ship that had just landed must be dealt with.
This intruder happens to be none other than,
"Harcourt Fenton Mudd," he answered, rising to his feet and seizing Khan's hand, pumping it enthusiastically. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister...?""...KHAAAAAAAN."
"Singh. Khan Noonien Singh," Khan replied, pulling his hand free with contempt. "I am ruler of this planet."
"The entire planet, huh? Impressive. Y'know, I once had a planet of me own..."
Rather mundane chat ensues, during which Mudd reveals how he was on a planet with sexy androids until Kirk came along and reprogrammed them so that they'd no longer give him "so much as a single hand job." Sad times for Mudd, basically.
"Let me get this straight. You had a planet full of *mechanical* women? How absurd. What were they, prostitutes?"
"Ack! Harry Mudd's never paid for it in his life. They weren't just machines -- they were servants, my loyal subjects."
"Subjects who follow their programming. Not real people. *Real* people need a true leader to command them. *My* people do my bidding because they fear me. They respect me."
"Make up your mind."
"And what of heirs? Who is to rule over your planet when you are gone?"
"Well, seeing as how I *am* gone, that's a bit of a moot point." He winked at Khan. "Still, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was more than one Harry Jr. running around the galaxy."
"You are a little man, and your name suits you well. I doubt if you have ever pleasured -- let alone satisfied -- a woman in your life."
HO SNAP! He just had to go there, didn't he? He learns, pretty instantly, that any sexual challenge is not taken lightly by Mr. Harry Mudd.
"Oh, really!" Harry undid his belt and fly. (As you do.) He pushed his pants and a garish pair of white-with-red-polka-dot-boxers down to his knees. Straightening up, he slapped his belly and declared, "Have a look at that, laddy-buck, and tell me you're not impressed." His flaccid penis hung below his ample belly, but there was no denying that even in its dormant condition it was of substantial proportions.
Well, I can safely say I have never met a man who, when insulted, whips out his penis.
Luckily, Khan has a horrifically inappropriate comeback:
Khan leered at him. "You have the penis of a child."Inappropriate on a few levels. Mostly, because of what happens between Khan and said child-penis later in the scene.
Undoing his pants and pushing them down, he revealed his own tool. "*That* is a man's cock!"Honestly, why did testosterone-driven arguments never get solved like this in the actual show?
Harry squinted mockingly. "Where? I don't... oh, that! Huh. It's not nearly as big as mine."
"What? It is every bit..."
"It's smaller by an inch, at least."
Kirk: "Spock, that's an order."
Spock: "Captain, I find your order highly illogical." *Unzips* *Waggles penis*
Kirk: *Unzips* "Well, mine's clearly bigger, so hop to it."
Spock: "I suspect your human eyes may be malfunctioning, because your observation is incorrect."
McCoy: "Actually," *pulls down pants* "mine's biggest."
Spock: "Again, incorrect."
Kirk: "Yes, put your child-size penis away now, Bones. You're just embarrassing yourself."
McCoy: "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a porn star!"
Well, If you can't win the argument by simply revealing your penis, the next logical step is to masturbate together. Obviously.
"Well, it's an *erect* shaft that satisfies a woman, anyway."
"And you think yours would be bigger than mine when it's hard?" asked Harry as he began masturbating himself to erection."Twice as big!" declared Khan, stroking his own dick.
Moments later, both men stood in front of each other, pants around their knees, raging hard-ons pointing angrily at each other.
1) They get walked in on... And just continue.
Just then, the door from an adjoining room opened, and Marla stepped in. "Khan, honey, would you like me to... oh!" Her gaze landed on Khan's rigid cock, then Harry's. Her eyes widened.
Khan turned five shades of red in anger and embarrassment. "Out!" he bellowed, and Marla beat a hasty retreat.
"That the little lady?" Harry asked, absently stroking his member. "Well, she's rather petite. I'm sure you satisfy her just fine."
"Of course I satisfy her. Her and many others. Look how much larger mine is than yours."
"Oh, pleeeeeease. Mine is bigger by several inches."
2) I don't see how this argument can continue when... surely.. y'know... one of the two will be the biggest. And the other person is just lying or deluded. Physical size isn't really open to debate or discussion... maybe just fetch a goddamn ruler!?
3) The fact that I'm thinking about the logistics of this must mean that fanfiction has finally warped my mind.
Khan's redness deepened even more. "I'm telling you..." But as he spoke, Harry stepped forward, and the tip of his hard-on poked Khan just below his navel. Looking down, both could plainly see that Khan's phallus did not even touch Harry, coming up several inches short. Khan suddenly appeared crest-fallen.
Busted, Khan, you deluded bastard!
Also: If I were Khan, I think I'd be less "crest-fallen," and more, "Woah okay! Prodding people in their tummies with our erect penis are we now, Harry?! Back off, sunshine." As that is, in fact, one of the rudest ways you could possibly be interrupted.
"Now, now, Khannie. Don't start pouting. Yours is plenty big enough. It's just not in the same league as mine."No, Khan, no! You're just embarassing yourself now. You're already standing pants-less in front of a man whose penis is much bigger than yours trying to tell him that it's not. I know he called you "Khannie," ...but let's just let it drop and walk away whilst you still have a shred of dignity left, kay?
Khan was not ready to give up. "Size does not satisfy a woman. It takes stamina. I can outlast any man on this planet."
.....No such luck.
Harry looked at him sideways. "I really don't want to know how you know that."
"Are you afraid of my challenge?"
"Of course not. But look, I've beaten you twice already. Why should I want to bother again? What do I get if I win?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, to go free, of course. And some provisions."
"And if I win, you are my prisoner -- forever!" Khan began slowly stroking his hard-on.
Hoookay, the "prisoner" bit seemed relatively threatening until the "stoking his hard-on" bit. Now it sounds like Khan's just after a sex-slave.
"Now wait a minute," argued Harry. "You could soft-touch that sucker all night. That's no test."
"What do you propose?"
"We'll do each other." A look of shock swept across Khan's face as Harry wrapped his fingers around his dick. He looked fearfully at Harry's massive schlong. "Go on. It won't bite," laughed Harry. Never one to surrender, Khan seized Harry's dick like a soldier picking up a weapon.
Only he was not a soldier, he was KHAAAAN. And it was not a weapon, it was a dick.
Um, okay then.
Harry took long strokes along Khan's rigid staff. He pushed his hand into the wiry black mass at the base of Khan's shaft and squeezed tightly as he drew his hand along its length, over the veiny flesh, to the massive purple head. Occasionally Harry mixed it up by releasing the shaft and gently but firmly squeezing and tugging on the fuzzy sack beneath.
Khan also worked Harry's shaft, squeezing and pulling determinedly. They both worked completely by sense of touch, each set of eyes locked on the other's in poker-faced stares. Harry sensed the tempo of Khan's strokes increasing and thought it might reflect Khan's own impending finish. In a moment of weakness, Khan closed his eyes and leaned his head back, and Harry knew that he had won.Most of Harry's strokes had stopped just short of the head of Khan's dick. With his next few strokes, he dragged his hand completely across the head and even added a little twist at the end. Khan's hips bucked involuntarily, and he moaned as jet after jet of hot, white fluid was launched across the floor.
Just when Khan thought there was no lower level of humiliation to sink to....
Squeezing the last drops from Khan's shaft, Harry remarked, "My, you're a randy little buck, aren't you? You'll honor our agreement like a gentleman, I assume."
Khan gave Harry another sharp look. This bastard was constantly finding new ways to antagonize him. "I am a man of my word, Mr. Mudd." He made as if to pull up his pants and leave."Now hold on just a minute, there."
Harry wagged his still-hard cock in front of him. "Don't you have some unfinished business to take care of?"
Khan took hold of Harry's cock -- none too gently -- and began working it again. No longer holding back, Harry allowed himself to enjoy it this time. He put both hands behind his head and closed his eyes as he bucked his hips back and forth, thrusting his cock in and out of Khan's pumping fist.
"Oh, yes," he moaned. "Oh, Alice... Annabelle... Trudy... Maisey... Oh, Norman!" In short order, he too exploded. Annoyed to see the first shot land across his desk, Khan steered Mudd's dick toward the floor. Only once Harry's eruption had ended did Khan feel that he could safely release him.
I can't say I relish the fact that my name is among those he's moaning.
Also, "annoyed," at Harry's exploding jizz "eruption" shooting across the room and up onto his desk? I'd just be glad it didn't do any more damage. Sounds pretty fucking dangerous to me.
Moments later, they both had their pants securely fastened about their waists once again. Harry continued talking a mile a minute. "I say, Khan, have you ever thought of going into business? You've got the softest hands in outer spa-aaace!"
Khan had seized him by the throat with lightening quick reflexes and fingers of steel. "Mind your tongue, you pompous buffoon, or I shall most assuredly tear it out and feed it to you! You will never speak of this to anyone, under pain of death."
I honestly feared Harry was breaking into song there. Luckily it was just Khan finally deciding he's gonna have to choke a bitch. Hate to say it, but if he'd just gone with the choking and death threats in the first place, he'd have saved himself one hell of an embarrassing scenario.
Actually... more like:
"Of course not, of course not." Khan released him, and Harry rubbed his neck, choking and coughing. "You just point me to my provisions and I'll be out of your hair forever."
Khan stabbed a button on his desktop intercom. "Joachim!" A moment later, the young man entered. He wrinkled his nose, and his eyes went immediately to the puddles on the floor. Having gotten used to it, Khan cursed himself for forgetting about the stink he and Mudd had raised. "Provide Mr. Mudd with a week's worth of provisions -- no more! Then escort him to his ship, and see that he leaves."
"Pleasure doing business with you, Khan-old-boy." Harry offered his hand, but Khan only looked at him disdainfully. "Yes, well, cheerio." As he exited the room, Harry called out behind him. "Just remember what me dear old pappy used to say... Walk softly, and carry a big stick!" His belly-laugh echoed down the corridor as he disappeared.
Like a jolly, perverted Santa Claus in the distance.....
Okay guys and gals. The moral of this story? The best way to solve an argument is by getting out your cock. Just be sure yours is bigger than your challenger's or awquard competetive masturbation might ensue.
Links: [The Fic] - "The Biggest Stick" by longbeachtrekstar