"The Biggest Stick" - featuring KHAAAAN and Harcourt Fenton Mudd.

Right! I'm back and reporting for duty. This fic was chosen for a couple of reasons:

REASON 1) In honour of the release of the new Star Trek movie. (Well, not sure "honour" is the right word...)
REASON 2) It's a bit of light-hearted insanity to ease me (and everyone else) back into that regular blogging psyche. I had some freaky shit lined up, but it nearly broke my brain/made me sick when I tried to write it up as a post.... So I'm going for this one. Which is admittedly not an attractive set of mental images, but it's more "Hah, WTF?" than "holy fuck, this makes me want to scoop out my own brain with a salad spoon."
REASON 3) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

On with the show....

Author's notes:

Title: The Biggest Stick
Author: longbeachtrekstar
Code: Khan/Mudd
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Mudd lands on Khan's planet. But is Ceti Alpha V big enough for both of these egos?
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. This is not for profit, just for fun. If Harry makes you an offer, report him to the proper authorities.

The title "The Biggest Stick," should give you one or two ideas about what events may unfold in this fanfic. But unless you're thinking "ego-driven-mutual-wanking session"... Then you're a little off the mark. Let me enlighten you:

Khan sat at his desk, waiting for his subjects to return. He ran his fingers over the rich Corinthian leather of the armrests as he reflected on the last eighteen months. They'd made great progress here on Ceti Alpha V, despite its harsh environment, but he would never admit this to them. He would not let them grow soft and complacent -- he always demanded more. And he certainly would not allow outsiders to interfere in their affairs. Whoever was on the ship that had just landed must be dealt with.

This intruder happens to be none other than,

"Harcourt Fenton Mudd," he answered, rising to his feet and seizing Khan's hand, pumping it enthusiastically. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister...?"

"...KHAAAAAAAN."

"Singh. Khan Noonien Singh," Khan replied, pulling his hand free with contempt. "I am ruler of this planet."

"The entire planet, huh? Impressive. Y'know, I once had a planet of me own..."

Rather mundane chat ensues, during which Mudd reveals how he was on a planet with sexy androids until Kirk came along and reprogrammed them so that they'd no longer give him "so much as a single hand job." Sad times for Mudd, basically.

"Let me get this straight. You had a planet full of *mechanical* women? How absurd. What were they, prostitutes?"

"Ack! Harry Mudd's never paid for it in his life. They weren't just machines -- they were servants, my loyal subjects."

"Subjects who follow their programming. Not real people. *Real* people need a true leader to command them. *My* people do my bidding because they fear me. They respect me."

"Make up your mind."

"And what of heirs? Who is to rule over your planet when you are gone?"

"Well, seeing as how I *am* gone, that's a bit of a moot point." He winked at Khan. "Still, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was more than one Harry Jr. running around the galaxy."

"You are a little man, and your name suits you well. I doubt if you have ever pleasured -- let alone satisfied -- a woman in your life."

HO SNAP! He just had to go there, didn't he? He learns, pretty instantly, that any sexual challenge is not taken lightly by Mr. Harry Mudd.

"Oh, really!" Harry undid his belt and fly. (As you do.) He pushed his pants and a garish pair of white-with-red-polka-dot-boxers down to his knees. Straightening up, he slapped his belly and declared, "Have a look at that, laddy-buck, and tell me you're not impressed." His flaccid penis hung below his ample belly, but there was no denying that even in its dormant condition it was of substantial proportions.

Well, I can safely say I have never met a man who, when insulted, whips out his penis.
Luckily, Khan has a horrifically inappropriate comeback:

Khan leered at him. "You have the penis of a child."

Inappropriate on a few levels. Mostly, because of what happens between Khan and said child-penis later in the scene.

Undoing his pants and pushing them down, he revealed his own tool. "*That* is a man's cock!"

Harry squinted mockingly. "Where? I don't... oh, that! Huh. It's not nearly as big as mine."

"What? It is every bit..."

"It's smaller by an inch, at least."

Honestly, why did testosterone-driven arguments never get solved like this in the actual show?

Kirk: "Spock, that's an order."
Spock: "Captain, I find your order highly illogical." *Unzips* *Waggles penis*
Kirk: *Unzips* "Well, mine's clearly bigger, so hop to it."
Spock: "I suspect your human eyes may be malfunctioning, because your observation is incorrect."
McCoy: "Actually," *pulls down pants* "mine's biggest."
Spock: "Again, incorrect."
Kirk: "Yes, put your child-size penis away now, Bones. You're just embarrassing yourself."
McCoy: "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a porn star!"

ANYWAY.

"Well, it's an *erect* shaft that satisfies a woman, anyway."

"And you think yours would be bigger than mine when it's hard?" asked Harry as he began masturbating himself to erection.

"Twice as big!" declared Khan, stroking his own dick.

Well, If you can't win the argument by simply revealing your penis, the next logical step is to masturbate together. Obviously.

Moments later, both men stood in front of each other, pants around their knees, raging hard-ons pointing angrily at each other.

"Angrily"!

Just then, the door from an adjoining room opened, and Marla stepped in. "Khan, honey, would you like me to... oh!" Her gaze landed on Khan's rigid cock, then Harry's. Her eyes widened.

Khan turned five shades of red in anger and embarrassment. "Out!" he bellowed, and Marla beat a hasty retreat.

"That the little lady?" Harry asked, absently stroking his member. "Well, she's rather petite. I'm sure you satisfy her just fine."

"Of course I satisfy her. Her and many others. Look how much larger mine is than yours."

"Oh, pleeeeeease. Mine is bigger by several inches."

1) They get walked in on... And just continue.
2) I don't see how this argument can continue when... surely.. y'know... one of the two will be the biggest. And the other person is just lying or deluded. Physical size isn't really open to debate or discussion... maybe just fetch a goddamn ruler!?
3) The fact that I'm thinking about the logistics of this must mean that fanfiction has finally warped my mind.

Khan's redness deepened even more. "I'm telling you..." But as he spoke, Harry stepped forward, and the tip of his hard-on poked Khan just below his navel. Looking down, both could plainly see that Khan's phallus did not even touch Harry, coming up several inches short. Khan suddenly appeared crest-fallen.

Busted, Khan, you deluded bastard!

Also: If I were Khan, I think I'd be less "crest-fallen," and more, "Woah okay! Prodding people in their tummies with our erect penis are we now, Harry?! Back off, sunshine." As that is, in fact, one of the rudest ways you could possibly be interrupted.

"Now, now, Khannie. Don't start pouting. Yours is plenty big enough. It's just not in the same league as mine."

Khan was not ready to give up. "Size does not satisfy a woman. It takes stamina. I can outlast any man on this planet."

No, Khan, no! You're just embarassing yourself now. You're already standing pants-less in front of a man whose penis is much bigger than yours trying to tell him that it's not. I know he called you "Khannie," ...but let's just let it drop and walk away whilst you still have a shred of dignity left, kay?

.....No such luck.

Harry looked at him sideways. "I really don't want to know how you know that."
"Are you afraid of my challenge?"

"Of course not. But look, I've beaten you twice already. Why should I want to bother again? What do I get if I win?"

"What do you want?"

"Well, to go free, of course. And some provisions."

"And if I win, you are my prisoner -- forever!" Khan began slowly stroking his hard-on.

Hoookay, the "prisoner" bit seemed relatively threatening until the "stoking his hard-on" bit. Now it sounds like Khan's just after a sex-slave.

"Now wait a minute," argued Harry. "You could soft-touch that sucker all night. That's no test."

"What do you propose?"

"We'll do each other." A look of shock swept across Khan's face as Harry wrapped his fingers around his dick. He looked fearfully at Harry's massive schlong. "Go on. It won't bite," laughed Harry. Never one to surrender, Khan seized Harry's dick like a soldier picking up a weapon.

Only he was not a soldier, he was KHAAAAN. And it was not a weapon, it was a dick.

Harry took long strokes along Khan's rigid staff. He pushed his hand into the wiry black mass at the base of Khan's shaft and squeezed tightly as he drew his hand along its length, over the veiny flesh, to the massive purple head. Occasionally Harry mixed it up by releasing the shaft and gently but firmly squeezing and tugging on the fuzzy sack beneath.

Khan also worked Harry's shaft, squeezing and pulling determinedly. They both worked completely by sense of touch, each set of eyes locked on the other's in poker-faced stares. Harry sensed the tempo of Khan's strokes increasing and thought it might reflect Khan's own impending finish. In a moment of weakness, Khan closed his eyes and leaned his head back, and Harry knew that he had won.

Most of Harry's strokes had stopped just short of the head of Khan's dick. With his next few strokes, he dragged his hand completely across the head and even added a little twist at the end. Khan's hips bucked involuntarily, and he moaned as jet after jet of hot, white fluid was launched across the floor.

Um, okay then.

Squeezing the last drops from Khan's shaft, Harry remarked, "My, you're a randy little buck, aren't you? You'll honor our agreement like a gentleman, I assume."

Khan gave Harry another sharp look. This bastard was constantly finding new ways to antagonize him. "I am a man of my word, Mr. Mudd." He made as if to pull up his pants and leave.

"Now hold on just a minute, there."

Just when Khan thought there was no lower level of humiliation to sink to....

Harry wagged his still-hard cock in front of him. "Don't you have some unfinished business to take care of?"

Khan took hold of Harry's cock -- none too gently -- and began working it again. No longer holding back, Harry allowed himself to enjoy it this time. He put both hands behind his head and closed his eyes as he bucked his hips back and forth, thrusting his cock in and out of Khan's pumping fist.

"Oh, yes," he moaned. "Oh, Alice... Annabelle... Trudy... Maisey... Oh, Norman!" In short order, he too exploded. Annoyed to see the first shot land across his desk, Khan steered Mudd's dick toward the floor. Only once Harry's eruption had ended did Khan feel that he could safely release him.

I can't say I relish the fact that my name is among those he's moaning.

Also, "annoyed," at Harry's exploding jizz "eruption" shooting across the room and up onto his desk? I'd just be glad it didn't do any more damage. Sounds pretty fucking dangerous to me.

Moments later, they both had their pants securely fastened about their waists once again. Harry continued talking a mile a minute. "I say, Khan, have you ever thought of going into business? You've got the softest hands in outer spa-aaace!"

Khan had seized him by the throat with lightening quick reflexes and fingers of steel. "Mind your tongue, you pompous buffoon, or I shall most assuredly tear it out and feed it to you! You will never speak of this to anyone, under pain of death."

I honestly feared Harry was breaking into song there. Luckily it was just Khan finally deciding he's gonna have to choke a bitch. Hate to say it, but if he'd just gone with the choking and death threats in the first place, he'd have saved himself one hell of an embarrassing scenario.

Actually... more like:

"Of course not, of course not." Khan released him, and Harry rubbed his neck, choking and coughing. "You just point me to my provisions and I'll be out of your hair forever."

Khan stabbed a button on his desktop intercom. "Joachim!" A moment later, the young man entered. He wrinkled his nose, and his eyes went immediately to the puddles on the floor. Having gotten used to it, Khan cursed himself for forgetting about the stink he and Mudd had raised. "Provide Mr. Mudd with a week's worth of provisions -- no more! Then escort him to his ship, and see that he leaves."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Khan-old-boy." Harry offered his hand, but Khan only looked at him disdainfully. "Yes, well, cheerio." As he exited the room, Harry called out behind him. "Just remember what me dear old pappy used to say... Walk softly, and carry a big stick!" His belly-laugh echoed down the corridor as he disappeared.

Like a jolly, perverted Santa Claus in the distance.....

Okay guys and gals. The moral of this story? The best way to solve an argument is by getting out your cock. Just be sure yours is bigger than your challenger's or awquard competetive masturbation might ensue.

Links: [The Fic] - "The Biggest Stick" by longbeachtrekstar

"FIC" - A Jesus/Judas fanfic.

Hey-ho! I'm finally back by popular demand. (You asked for it, you mentalists!)

I'm not quite sure what's going on in the facial expressions in that picture, but I feel it perfectly illustrates the fic I'm about to show you. Which, I shit you not, is a BIBLE SLASH fanfic.

Now, what really baffles me most about this is who writes the bloody things?! There is a whole Christ_Slash community on livejournal, devoted to fans of gay Jesus porn. But.. if you're religious, surely it's the height of blasphemy to think/write about Jesus bumming men? (Particularly if that man is the one who goes on to betray him to his death...) HOWEVER... Why would you be interested in Jesus or Judas in the first place if you're not religious?

Sigh. It's a mystery to me. People are strange.

Anyway, I picked one fic from the many to share tonight. This one is by the imaginatively named jesuslovesjudas , a member of the livejournal Christ_Slash community.

I like his/her opening lines:

Rating: VERY NC-17 VERY....you are warned!!!

I am warned!!! With a double capital "VERY." You know it's going to be a good one when the rating is enclosed with 2 very's.

Pairing: Jesus/Judas
Warning: Some pain, very pornographic and graphic in general lol

Graphic porn and pain? Rofl!11

Notes: I didnt write the Bible...duh

Somehow I get the feeling the whole Christian faith is thanking their God for this very fact.

Right, on with the plot please.

We kick off with a little scene-setting to try and convince you there's a story behind the sex. There isn't. Jesus basically lures Judas into an old house to shag him. Fun times are had by all. Enjoy:

Jesus stood behind the closed door staring at Judas who was leaning against the cracked wall across the room. Judas was worried because the rabbi had asked the other brothers to wait with Elizabeth at her house and he had led Judas on a silent walk to this abandoned old house in the backstreets of Jerusalem. It was a million degrees that season...

(A million? Yeah, okay then.)

...and Judas was in a small waist wrap and old, nearly broken sandals…Jesus the same, and sweat dripped from their long hair and goatees glistening on their bodies, toned and fit from prolonged walking.

The bit about the glistening goatee sweat is a bit of a foreshadowing of how mistaken this writer is about the kind of imagery they believe is attractive in sex scenes.

I'd also like to point out that you should be thanking me for breaking this up into chunks. It's all one continuous paragraph in the original fic. Which, of course, makes it even more of a joy to read.

Judas was breathing heavily and his heart was beating as the good teacher approached him, cradled his cheek in his hand and went in to kiss him in friendship as he had done many times; however this time, Iscariot felt his teacher’s smooth and soft tongue pass between his quivering lips and engage the future traitor in a real kiss, which he returned, and it seemed to last an eternity…that kiss, and Judas was disappointed when finally Jesus removed him mouth from the apostle and then proceeded to explore his sweaty body, feeling every inch of visible skin, making the boy’s cock grow and twitch beneath the linen wrap, and moans erupted from his trembling frame.

I love it when writers try to use every possible alternative name/description for a character in an attempt to avoid repeating the same name over and over again. The only purpose that substituting "Judas" for "the boy" and "Jesus" for "his teacher" serves is giving the fic even weirder undertones...

I'd honestly find it less distracting and weird it if they just went with the character's actual name and repeated it a few times rather than scraping the bottom of the name-barrel and producing bizarre substitutes.

Te rabbi then set Judas down and began to undue the wrap.

With undue enthusiasm and haste...

Judas though of saying something but was in to much awe and adoration…not to mention sexual frustration…that he kept silent.

"Wow, this is a bit weird! ..Ah well, I am pretty desperate. Best just shut up."

Jesus watched as the trail of hair descending from the boy’s navel faded into a thick bush which cradled in it a throbbing erection. The good rabbi slowly lowered himself until his soft lips caressed the tip of the circumcised penis, and his tongue licked a circle around the edge before descending the shaft and swallowing up the cock, sending Judas into moans of pleasure, as Jesus accepted the rod down to the back of his throat.

....?!

He traveled back up, swirling again his agile tongue around the salty brim before going again down, cheeks withdrawn, to the hairy base making Judas buck his hips and press into the Lord’s long locks. Jesus withdrew from the erection and slowly removed his own wrappings, exposing a large veined erection cradled by black hair.

Ah yes, this would be where the attractive imagery I discussed earlier comes into play.

Judas sighed at its sight and rubbed his own cock, trying to relieve some of the tension, but the gentle hand that guided him, Christ, removed it and raised the boy’s legs onto his shoulders. Jesus slid one long finger down Iscariot’s crack, teasing, before applying pressure to the apostle’s quivering hole, then finally penetrating it and slowly allowing his digit to be engulfed by his lover’s entrance.

I did go to church (reluctantly) as a child. And I'm pretty sure Jesus was referred to as "the gentle hand that guides us." ....But I always imagined it meant that his was the gentle hand that guides us about our day to day business, rather than the hand that guides our legs up onto his shoulders so he can love us in the bum. Oh well.

Those services just took on some frightening new connotations.

Judas moaned and pressed against the lord’s finger until Jesus protruded another one deep inside of the boy pulling and pushing, slowly stretching the opening. And again Jesus added a finger, and with a grand total of three he began to stretch, pleasure, and relax Judas’s hole.

Grand total? It's sex, not a bloody game show..
"Congratulations, Jesus! That's a graaaand total of THREE fingers you now have up Judas's arse. ...You've won the speedboat and the kitchenette!"

The future traitor moaned and bucked his hips, his large erection spewing salty precum out onto his mass of black hair. Jesus removed all three digits and then placed his own massive and leaking head at the ready opening and applied pressure.

Am I missing something here, or is this just hideously unattractive sex vocab? "Spewing precum" and "leaking head"? No thanks.

Judas let out a muffled scream of pleasure and pain as the sword of Christ plummeted into his body..

Sword of Christ? Are they fucking kidding?!
Well, they've clearly been watching the right videos, that's for sure.

...racking him with sharp pain and dull pleasure, his eyes rolling back into his head he called out YESHUA YESHUA, bucking against the large cock and begging for more from his Lord and above all….MASTER! Jesus moaned and pressed more and more, harder and harder against the hole, pressing it to its limits and then he felt his balls tighten and he removed his cock and spewed cum over Judas’s chest, mixing it with the sweat, as he let out stream after stream of it.

I'm adding "YESHUA YESHUA" to my list of things that need to be called out more often during sex. Along with Dorothy's "Jiminy Cricket!"

I'm adding "streams of cum spewing out of Jesus's large cock and mingling with Judas's chest-sweat" to the list of images that I will be weeping over and wishing I could erase from my mind for many years to come.

He breathed hard and then looked down at Judas’s cum covered body, which had not yet experienced orgasm, and lay on his back and elevated his legs, showing Judas what he was meaning. Judas understood perfectly and mounted the Lord, placing a finger before the Lord’s opening, but Jesus rebuked him and looked him square in the eye, showing what he wanted. Judas nodded and without any preparation he let out a harsh scream and pushed his cock as hard as he could towards Jesus’ virgin hole.

"Mounted the Lord," "The Lord's opening" and "Jesus' virgin hole" are all phrases I probably could have lived without seeing. Never mind, ey?

The savior screamed in agony and sadistic pleasure as the cock forced open the tight fleshy hole making blood trickle down Judas’s shaft and sending waves of felling over both partners.

Auugh. This is sending some waves of felling over me right now, and it really doesn't fell too good. At all.

Judas forced the cock in and out, violating that holy body, filling it to the brim with dick, Judas was grunting and Jesus was moaning and sometimes screaming at the sharp jabs of Judas. Judas finally tightened and filled Christ’s entrails with seed, pumping jet after jet of white juice into the virgin body of Christ. He collapsed onto his teacher’s body heaving and his heart pounding out of his chest, as his cock went limp and slid from the entrance of the rabbi. They slept that way till dawn and the silent walk back to Elizabeth’s.

I.. I don't even know where to start! ..Brim full of dick? ENTRAILS filled with white juice?

Oh for fuck's sake.

The imagery in this fic makes the Hermione/Ferret fic sound utterly tasteful in comparison.

LINKS: [The Fic] - Jesus/Judas by jesuslovesjudas

"If Only" - A Dorothy/Scarecrow Fanfic.

This one is short and not at all sweet. I'm just going to post the whole thing. I read this in a kind of daze, wondering if I should be laughing or crying. The answer I arrived at was laughing. In a twisted way, this is actually hilarious.

In summary, Dorothy is having some "alone time," when the Scarecrow walks in. Spontaneous straw-and-cloth-based sexual acts ensue.

Author's notes:

Title: If Only
Author: Laurieisme (revolution25)
Fandom: Wizard Of Oz
Rating: R
Spoilers: For the movie.

Spoilers? For... the movie? Uuum... I'd quite like to know what the hell version of the movie this joker's been watching.

Anyway. The fic gets straight in there with the action. The writer's obviously not even going to bother pretending there's a plot behind this.

Dorothy moaned a little, the sound reverberating off the walls of her bedroom. She rubbed her clit again, but moved her hips forward into her hand, causing her to be even louder.

But the one great thing about the bedrooms there, they were either so far away from everything else, or sound proof, so no one could hear her.

We're left guessing what 'there' is. I'm assuming it's Oz.
..But balls to that! The writer just wants to get straight on with the Scarecrow porn.

And part of the fun was being vocal about it, considering on the farm she had to be as quiet as a church mouse.

"D-Dorothy?"

Dorothy looked quickly over her shoulder, but her own movement against her hand caused to moan loudly again as her eyes met the Scarecrow's.

We don't even get any explanation as to why the Scarecrow suddenly pops up over her shoulder.... Which I for one would find more than a tad creepy. But it doesn't phase Dorothy at all.

Without a conversation, or her needing to persuade him, he came over between her thighs and kissed her thoroughly.

Dorothy was surprised to feel his cloth mouth feeling rather erotic on her mouth, making her even more wet than she was before he walked in.

She grinded her hips against his straw structure, and even that felt right.

She looked up at him with frustrated eyes, "I want you inside me."

"I can't do that," he said pointing down to where there was nothing but straw and cloth,

Okay, how thick is Dorothy? What does she expect!? For him to produce some kind of straw erection to stick in her? I can't see that working somehow.

Luckily for Scarecrow, he escapes the humiliation of not being able to perform in that way, because he has another non-penetrative trick up his sleeve...

"But I can do this."

And with that his face went down her body until his cloth lips met her clit.

"Jiminy Cricket," she jumped involuntarily at the sensation.

His warm wet cloth tongue met her clit, and she was lost. She was panting, moaning, grinding against him, yelling out some obscenity, and soon enough was left limp and sated.

After a while she brought him back up to her face and kissed him deeply.

"If only the scarecrows back in Kansas could do THAT..."

HAA!

'Thorough' kissing, erotic cloth, the Scarecrow being unable to get it up... Jiminy Cricket! That thing is rather amusing. Disturbing, yes. But I did laugh. A healthy (?) mix between "ha!" and "noooooo!" is always good.

Probably helps that I never was a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz whilst growing up. So reading this didn't involve the destruction of too many happy childhood memories. But I'm sure it will have been highly disturbing for those of you for whom it was a childhood favourite. Sorry!

On another note, I believe "Jiminy Cricket!" is underrated as an exclamation of passion. It should definitely be used more often.

I wonder if there's any Oz-fics with the Tin Man involved. Ouch. I'll leave you with that image.


LINKS: [The Fic] - "If Only" by Laurieisme.