Tuesday 10 February 2009

"FIC" - A Jesus/Judas fanfic.

Hey-ho! I'm finally back by popular demand. (You asked for it, you mentalists!)




I'm not quite sure what's going on in the facial expressions in that picture, but I feel it perfectly illustrates the fic I'm about to show you. Which, I shit you not, is a BIBLE SLASH fanfic.

Now, what really baffles me most about this is who writes the bloody things?! There is a whole Christ_Slash community on livejournal, devoted to fans of gay Jesus porn. But.. if you're religious, surely it's the height of blasphemy to think/write about Jesus bumming men? (Particularly if that man is the one who goes on to betray him to his death...) HOWEVER... Why would you be interested in Jesus or Judas in the first place if you're not religious?

Sigh. It's a mystery to me. People are strange.

Anyway, I picked one fic from the many to share tonight. This one is by the imaginatively named [info]jesuslovesjudas , a member of the livejournal Christ_Slash community.

I like his/her opening lines:

Rating: VERY NC-17 VERY....you are warned!!!
I am warned!!! With a double capital "VERY." You know it's going to be a good one when the rating is enclosed with 2 very's.

Pairing: Jesus/Judas
Warning: Some pain, very pornographic and graphic in general lol
Graphic porn and pain? Rofl!11
Notes: I didnt write the Bible...duh
Somehow I get the feeling the whole Christian faith is thanking their God for this very fact.

Right, on with the plot please.

We kick off with a little scene-setting to try and convince you there's a story behind the sex. There isn't. Jesus basically lures Judas into an old house to shag him. Fun times are had by all. Enjoy:
Jesus stood behind the closed door staring at Judas who was leaning against the cracked wall across the room. Judas was worried because the rabbi had asked the other brothers to wait with Elizabeth at her house and he had led Judas on a silent walk to this abandoned old house in the backstreets of Jerusalem. It was a million degrees that season...
(A million? Yeah, okay then.)
...and Judas was in a small waist wrap and old, nearly broken sandals…Jesus the same, and sweat dripped from their long hair and goatees glistening on their bodies, toned and fit from prolonged walking.
The bit about the glistening goatee sweat is a bit of a foreshadowing of how mistaken this writer is about the kind of imagery they believe is attractive in sex scenes.

I'd also like to point out that you should be thanking me for breaking this up into chunks. It's all one continuous paragraph in the original fic. Which, of course, makes it even more of a joy to read.
Judas was breathing heavily and his heart was beating as the good teacher approached him, cradled his cheek in his hand and went in to kiss him in friendship as he had done many times; however this time, Iscariot felt his teacher’s smooth and soft tongue pass between his quivering lips and engage the future traitor in a real kiss, which he returned, and it seemed to last an eternity…that kiss, and Judas was disappointed when finally Jesus removed him mouth from the apostle and then proceeded to explore his sweaty body, feeling every inch of visible skin, making the boy’s cock grow and twitch beneath the linen wrap, and moans erupted from his trembling frame.
I love it when writers try to use every possible alternative name/description for a character in an attempt to avoid repeating the same name over and over again. The only purpose that substituting "Judas" for "the boy" and "Jesus" for "his teacher" serves is giving the fic even weirder undertones...

I'd honestly find it less distracting and weird it if they just went with the character's actual name and repeated it a few times rather than scraping the bottom of the name-barrel and producing bizarre substitutes.

Te rabbi then set Judas down and began to undue the wrap.
With undue enthusiasm and haste...

Judas though of saying something but was in to much awe and adoration…not to mention sexual frustration…that he kept silent.
"Wow, this is a bit weird! ..Ah well, I am pretty desperate. Best just shut up."

Jesus watched as the trail of hair descending from the boy’s navel faded into a thick bush which cradled in it a throbbing erection. The good rabbi slowly lowered himself until his soft lips caressed the tip of the circumcised penis, and his tongue licked a circle around the edge before descending the shaft and swallowing up the cock, sending Judas into moans of pleasure, as Jesus accepted the rod down to the back of his throat.
....?!

He traveled back up, swirling again his agile tongue around the salty brim before going again down, cheeks withdrawn, to the hairy base making Judas buck his hips and press into the Lord’s long locks. Jesus withdrew from the erection and slowly removed his own wrappings, exposing a large veined erection cradled by black hair.
Ah yes, this would be where the attractive imagery I discussed earlier comes into play.
Judas sighed at its sight and rubbed his own cock, trying to relieve some of the tension, but the gentle hand that guided him, Christ, removed it and raised the boy’s legs onto his shoulders. Jesus slid one long finger down Iscariot’s crack, teasing, before applying pressure to the apostle’s quivering hole, then finally penetrating it and slowly allowing his digit to be engulfed by his lover’s entrance.
I did go to church (reluctantly) as a child. And I'm pretty sure Jesus was referred to as "the gentle hand that guides us." ....But I always imagined it meant that his was the gentle hand that guides us about our day to day business, rather than the hand that guides our legs up onto his shoulders so he can love us in the bum. Oh well.

Those services just took on some frightening new connotations.
Judas moaned and pressed against the lord’s finger until Jesus protruded another one deep inside of the boy pulling and pushing, slowly stretching the opening. And again Jesus added a finger, and with a grand total of three he began to stretch, pleasure, and relax Judas’s hole.
Grand total? It's sex, not a bloody game show..
"Congratulations, Jesus! That's a graaaand total of THREE fingers you now have up Judas's arse. ...You've won the speedboat and the kitchenette!"
The future traitor moaned and bucked his hips, his large erection spewing salty precum out onto his mass of black hair. Jesus removed all three digits and then placed his own massive and leaking head at the ready opening and applied pressure.
Am I missing something here, or is this just hideously unattractive sex vocab? "Spewing precum" and "leaking head"? No thanks.
Judas let out a muffled scream of pleasure and pain as the sword of Christ plummeted into his body..
Sword of Christ? Are they fucking kidding?!
Well, they've clearly been watching the right videos, that's for sure.

...racking him with sharp pain and dull pleasure, his eyes rolling back into his head he called out YESHUA YESHUA, bucking against the large cock and begging for more from his Lord and above all….MASTER! Jesus moaned and pressed more and more, harder and harder against the hole, pressing it to its limits and then he felt his balls tighten and he removed his cock and spewed cum over Judas’s chest, mixing it with the sweat, as he let out stream after stream of it.

I'm adding "YESHUA YESHUA" to my list of things that need to be called out more often during sex. Along with Dorothy's "Jiminy Cricket!"

I'm adding "streams of cum spewing out of Jesus's large cock and mingling with Judas's chest-sweat" to the list of images that I will be weeping over and wishing I could erase from my mind for many years to come.

He breathed hard and then looked down at Judas’s cum covered body, which had not yet experienced orgasm, and lay on his back and elevated his legs, showing Judas what he was meaning. Judas understood perfectly and mounted the Lord, placing a finger before the Lord’s opening, but Jesus rebuked him and looked him square in the eye, showing what he wanted. Judas nodded and without any preparation he let out a harsh scream and pushed his cock as hard as he could towards Jesus’ virgin hole.
"Mounted the Lord," "The Lord's opening" and "Jesus' virgin hole" are all phrases I probably could have lived without seeing. Never mind, ey?
The savior screamed in agony and sadistic pleasure as the cock forced open the tight fleshy hole making blood trickle down Judas’s shaft and sending waves of felling over both partners.
Auugh. This is sending some waves of felling over me right now, and it really doesn't fell too good. At all.
Judas forced the cock in and out, violating that holy body, filling it to the brim with dick, Judas was grunting and Jesus was moaning and sometimes screaming at the sharp jabs of Judas. Judas finally tightened and filled Christ’s entrails with seed, pumping jet after jet of white juice into the virgin body of Christ. He collapsed onto his teacher’s body heaving and his heart pounding out of his chest, as his cock went limp and slid from the entrance of the rabbi. They slept that way till dawn and the silent walk back to Elizabeth’s.
I.. I don't even know where to start! ..Brim full of dick? ENTRAILS filled with white juice?

Oh for fuck's sake.

The imagery in this fic makes the Hermione/Ferret fic sound utterly tasteful in comparison.

LINKS: [The Fic] - Jesus/Judas by jesuslovesjudas